Vulnerability

It's 5:20 am in the morning and I've done quite a bit of work so here I am, surfing the net only to end up posting my mindless rantings.

I feel vulnerable. Jeremy came down to my room two nights ago and we talked for about 2-3 hours. Ever since, he's been surfacing in my thoughts quite a bit. Jem came down with an intention of thanking me for changing him, for teaching him forgiveness, love and the importance of family. It has been a year since we broke up. Thinking back, it was a sort of a bittersweet love. In every sense, we were wrong for each other. Our roots, religious views, priorities. Yet, he was the first guy I fell in love with. I never felt that way. In the past, I made the mistake of commiting to someone because he liked me very much and would do just about anything for me.

Jeremy was different. I think I gave more than I received, yet I felt happy to do so. Although there were tears and heartbreaking moments, there were plenty of good times as well. He made me laugh and very often, I made him laugh three times as hard. He said I had a knack of being incredibly high at the most stressful moments. It's true.I get cranky and crack classic jokes at the weirdest hours.

We talked about marriage, commitments.. suddenly I realised how scared I was of commitment after him. Louie once told me to trust him when it came to building a new relationship and I did. I don't regret it but I do feel insecure. It sounds silly but I'm afraid of being disappointed again.

I think I still carry the scar of the fear of disappointment. Disappointed about promises broken, disppointed to be taken for granted.

I believe in love, yet I fear the consequences that accompanies it. Each time I think about my future with Louie, Jeremy's last few words would come into my mind. Just the other day at Bintan, I asked Louie about smoking and he said he did because his colleague was going away. I tried to conceal the hurt cause it was our holiday afterall. I didn't want to be selfish and make a fuss but it hurt that the same reason why I wanted to break up with him (because he smoked with a good friend) was forgotten.

I still kept the letter that Louie wrote to me about wanting to quit but Jem said something that scared me, that peer pressure actually meant more than addiction.

I told Jem that I fell in love with him because I loved the way he was always surrounded by friends, how he can easily fit in and be full of life. However, the same reason caused me to fall out of love with him. I told him he tried to hard to fit in, that he didn't realise how special he was. He was a natural leader and he would always fit in even if he didn't smoke or drink himself senseless.

He teased me about flaring up one night when I walked up to A4, saw him puffing away with his friends and went back to my room after I mustered the coldest expression I could. It was no tantrum. It was hurt, pure hurt after a long talk about needing him to quit. He said he was clean for 3 whole days and because his friends were down, the occasion called for it. What he didn't understand was that I hated losing out to his friends. At that moment, I desperately wanted him to understand that I needed him to quit for us, for a future together. He didn't need to smoke with them in order to lend a listening ear.

I'm afraid that Louie is pretty similar to Jem. I asked myself if Faith called him up and asked him to smoke, would he? Deep down, I fear that he would. It still haunts me.. and knowing that he did smoke just for a farewell scares me.

Just when I should be secure about our relationship. I find that something isn't right. I'm changing. I've become more God fearing. The initial void that came about from missing Louie is being filled. I don't seem to miss him as much anymore or think about him these few days. Jem's spot right about one thing, that religion to me means something. I don't want Louie to come to church with me only to fall asleep during sermon. I don't want to miss church because we went out late with friends the night before.

Dear Lord, I want to put you first in my life. I pray that because I put you first, you will work things out for me. I believe that I can truly be happy only if I have you first in my life. I also want to be a positive influence to people around me, especially to Louie. I don't know if it's your plan that we end up together but I respect what you have planned for me. Lord, please also give Louie the strength to put all other negativity aside. Give him the courage to quit smoking and not succumb to peer pressure. Please also guide him and allow him to be outstanding at work. Please also give him the rest that pastor prince talked about. I commit my life into your hands. Amen.