Tuesday, July 13, 2010

SOGT

After 3 years, my blog has evolved to a refuge that I turn to when I seek solace. Funny how things turn out.

You take a step to try, not knowing if it's all that right for you, but you try anyway because you think it does and things may not turn out like how you imagine it to be. Still, you look back fondly and browse through the memories. I used to rave about food didn't I? :)

I've always thought that if things didn't turn out the right way, it was my fault, my decisions, my expectations. It was always this way, and I ended up short changing myself, telling myself that hey, things didn't work out because you didn't try hard enough, or I could have done it better. Then I tell the world that it was so, to convince myself. I don't see the point in painting myself as the victim or cry buckets. My friends think I'm amazingly strong. I think it's just how you choose to live life.

I found myself hurt to an unbearable extent on Sunday. Yet, two hours later, I could walk down Orchard road with almost no hint of sadness. I was asked if it were mood swings and found myself amused. I told him that I could either carry a glum face and ruin someone else's day or I could be thankful and put on a positive attitude to enjoy the day. It's all a choice. Half cup full or half a cup empty. I could never make someone else suffer with or for me.

It was also Sunday itself that I found out how giving drew an influx of calls and texts over the next 48 hours. A friend caught me crying, or sobbing in his context and he told half the world. In his defense, he said it was SOGT - Save our grace tye

I received the cutest, most heartwarming text ever:

On a serious note, I think you are the perfect you.
People around you feel happy with your presence. It's like you are the sun radiating energy.

And no it wasn't by someone who had a crush on me.

Walls crumbled and I smiled, emanating from within.

Thank you for that. SOGT. Very nice indeed :)

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Rhythm of Grace

13/06/2010:

I've probably told a few of my friends that Louis and I have broken up. It came as a shock to those that were part of our lives. We've grown together for the last 4 years and thank you for being a part of our journey. The chapter has finally been closed.

The last few days were a chaotic turmoil of heartaches and mindless flow of emotions. I've come to realize that I loved him and I still do and always will. He has been a special part of me and I would never have been that jubilant, happy girl, if not for him.

I remember how I started out in a relationship with him. It wasn't love at first sight for me. He wasn't my "type" but I eventually did. I also discovered how blissful I could be just being cradled in his arms and letting the hours go by. We would spend hours watching old movies on his desktop, indulge in gastronomical food and simply stay contented in each others' company.

Things spiraled out of control after we entered the working world. The life of busyness changed our priorities. We hardly communicate and I found myself longing and empty.

My friends, we've tried or I've tried. I tried so hard that even right now, the outcome of our decision hurts. I'm sorry if you had to find out this way but be happy for me for I'm finally at peace.

I was in church with Cillia today and I asked God why. I've been good and much nicer than so many people out there, so why the influx of torrential problems. Why did things that matter to me, family, relationship, friendship and career give way one by one. I've been a giver all my life. I try so hard to excel. I work hard, make time for everyone and I give so much just to see people around me happy.

In that 2 hours, God came to me. In that 2 hours, I realized that my life revolved on being a perfectionist. People have constantly told me that I work too hard or that I push myself too much but I thought nothing much of it. After all, I would be reaping the rewards and achieve a lot more.

I was wrong.

Perfectionism stems from the self. I need to. I want to.
The spirit of excellence comes from God. Let Go and Let God. Experience his rhythm of grace. Every wall I had erected broke down. I told God that from this moment, I want him to take control of every single aspect of my life. I want to outsource my efforts for he has redeemed the cost of the easy way out at the cross.

I wanted Louis to believe in God, to accept him but I never trusted God to come to him.

I've seen his grace at work, flowing in abundance. Yet I tell myself it's also because of my hard work. Never balance Grace with logic. It's man's way of shortchanging God.

I'm surrounded by friends but why do I feel tired of giving and for being there. Even though I've been struggling with my pain, why do I find myself braving a smile to listen to their problems instead? Why do I seem to always attract people that want to be close but I can never break down those walls around me. I give but not want to take and eventually I have too many groups of friends, friends that I love dearly but neglect periodically. Because I want to be a blessing but I've never really come to terms with understanding that I've been blessed. God has promised but I've doubted.

Psalms 37 verses 4-6.
Delight yourself in the LORD;
And He will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD,
Trust also in Him, and He will do it.
6He will bring fort your righteousness as the light
And your judgment as the noonday.

I grew up in church and Psalms 37 was constantly brought up. I never fully understood till today. It resonates in my heart and I hold it dearly.

So dear friends, delight in the Lord. He would take away every broken heart and broken life.

Louis, if you're reading this. Thank you for loving me.

I'm at peace now, so go on, find yourself. Never lose yourself in work.

You'll be in my prayers.

Thank you for being you.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Pain

Pain. It creeps into you, lingering, clinging, overshadowing.

It renders you helpless. You feel lost and cold.

Your tears well up in your eyes, over and over.

You want no part of the world.

Pain consumes.

The phone rings and you put on the bravest brightest smile. That facade.

What's wrong, they say? Why does your voice sound different

You tell them you're on leave today and just woke up.

They apologize, make it quick.

You're on leave.

Tears sting your eyes as you give in to pain.

Alone time.

The phone rings. The process commences all over again. You numbly regurgitate.

Pride, Pressure, Pain. They seem get along.

I want no part of it.

Not anymore.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

je t'aime

I almost cried as tears welled up in my eyes. I blinked profusely to diffuse the notion of crying.

I love weddings. I cannot help but get overwhelmed by the beauty of watching the groom's face light up with love as the breath-taking beautiful bride walks down the isle with her beaming father.

Love.

The delicate phenomena of union between man and wife

Love.

The everlasting promise of God.

Love.

The secret formula to overcoming the good and the bad.

Love.

The reminder to bask in life and embrace the ones that hold you dear.

:)

Congratulations Dino and Marion. You've embarked on a new journey of love-filled life as one.

Thank you for sharing that beautiful moment with me.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Father's Love

It's amazing how little incidents in life impact one's life.

I was on the MRT, mind, hands and mouth full. On one hand, I was trying to figure out a way to work out the best possible rate for a client. RAR, gearing, basic business rules. That kept my mind preoccupied.

Hands. Fixed on the phone. Calling just about every expert I know. Market rates, market analysis. Thank God for Axlle, Dennis, Derek and Zhi Wei.

Mouth. Spewing banking lingos. Passenger beside me kept staring at my file that I was trying desperate to hide. MAS rules.

Needless to say, time whizzes past. What's traveling for a hour when you're preoccupied right? I'm such a workaholic at times. It must be the years of aggressive competition, from table tennis and dancing. Ever the need to perform.

Braddell: A young Father came in, pushing a pram. He looked tired, slightly unkempt. Most would consider him unfashionable, with a blue baby bag, a pram, t-shirt, faded trousers and signature Singaporean flip flops. He sat beside me.

What most women would do when they see a toddler in a pram: smile.

I did. But it was for a different reason. The toddler's head was 1.5 times bigger than an average kid. He had a deformed mouth and brown birthmarks on 80% on his face. It was a sight for sore eyes. It makes you wonder how the toddler would grow up and face the beauty obsessed world.

YET. His father had no eyes for anyone else. He was much less concerned about the stares from fellow passengers. I think he must have been used to it. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught people whispering. The toddler's father caught naught but continued to play with his child. The child smiled and so did his father.

Hurt people hurt others. Just look at Tiger Woods and Tiger Wood's father.

People who are loved, love others more readily. They are self assured.

The toddler would be hurt by society. Frowned upon since the day he was born. Yet he would be loved unconditonally by his father.

I felt his love and it reminded me of my dad's love. Sometimes I think that my dad deserves all the credit but I'm shy of telling him. He's always supporting the family, providing for us.

Caught in my life of busyness, friends, work and whirlwind schedule of appointments. I forgot how it was when I was like the toddler. I was an ugly child. I had no hair, tiny eyes, sickly and thin. Slightly better off them the creature in Lord of the Rings. YET I vividly remember going through pictures where my dad proudly carried me. Till today, he is the silent fan of my sisters and I. Uncles and Aunties call us the Charlie's Angels.

Today's incident will be the reason why I will enjoy my work, my life. It's a reason to make my parents proud and present them with the greatest gift a child can present to her parents - the gift of happyness.

:)

I love you daddy, mummy, Dajie Jas and Jo.

Dear God, thank you for my family.

:)

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Melbourne - Day 1

Teeheehee. The boys must be so envious of me. Crusing along the streets near St Kilda's beach in a convertible.

Good day!


Introducing our awesome friend, Yongsiang! Not only did he welcomed Grouie (grace plus louie) into his posh Docklands apartment, Yongsiang was the perfect tour guide.

Check out his convertible!

I particularly like this shot. :) I was enjoying the moment, away from the stress at work.



NOM NOM NOM!!! Bakeries and cafes everywhere!

I can't really remember the name of the cafe but it delightfully serves the best breakfast and coffee I've had in 24 years!

Glowing with statisfaction.
Yup! Perfectly poached egg with generous hollandaise sauce, served on crisp toast and thick juicy ham.

The aussie portion is mega huge!
Yongsiang then dropped us off so that we could explore the city centre. Melbourne is big on graffiti!



And performing arts :)

I hope day 1 alone could entice you into visiting Melbourne in Summer. It isn't humid so you hardly perspire and that's always that unpredictable cold wind. Keep the cardigan near!


Adios to 2009!


HELLO 2o10! Year of Restful Increase!

XOXO,

GT

Great Ocean Road Day 1

Hello everyone! Happy CNY to you! I hope you had a good break because I did! I went to Melbourne for a week's vacation! whoohoo.

I have so many stories to tell, pictures to rave about that I have no idea where to start. Perhaps, with the Great Ocean Road drive. It was my favourite part of the stay in Australia.

Here we go!

The man behind the 8 hours drive. Without him, it wouldn't have been possible. -beams- We rented a car from Thrifty. If you're traveling on a budget,I strongly recommend renting from Thrifty's! Friendly staff, good service, very efficient.

I proclaim that Australians make the best breakfast! Eggs benedict - poached eggs with perfect runny yokes, drenched in hollandaise sauce, placed gingerly on crisp toast and seasoned ham. ahhh.. paradise





And here we go! Tummy happy couple..

Checked in at our hotel in Lorne. I simple have to rave about Cumberland hotel! Extremelyhelpfulstaffgloriousamenitiesscenicview! phoawww!

Room inauguration ceremony begins!
wheee!
For $250 per night per couple, you have your own spacious bathtub with a jacuzzi, generous display of towels and your very own washing machine and dryer! -bliss-

Oh OH OH..and complementary wine and chocolates, microwave, kitchen utensils.. did I mention dishwasher?

Simply fabulous!
We managed to drag ourselves out of Cumberland hotel to continue the journey to


TADA!!!



Yup the 12 apostles. It was breathtakingly beautiful!!! Worth every bit of motion sickness (I threw up 3/4 of the journey)

My lifesaver - motion sickness pills.


I loveloveloved the view. When I get to witness such pristine beauty, I can't help but be amazed at how marvelous our good Lord is.


Dear friends, you NEED to HAVE to and DIEDIEMUST dine at Casalingo! It's at Apollo Bay, tucked quietly off the main street. This quaint Italian restaurant offered the best pasta I had in Australia. Simply gastronomical!

Nom Nom Nom...

-grin-

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Dreadful

I feel terrible.

Consolation for CNY cold is that there's an adorable little girl beside me who will be in tHe queue with me.
She's a brave one :)

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Pen-What enlarger?

Hello! I may be a technophobe, a.k.a blogspot laggard, but how can anyone spam my blog with a

PEN** ENLARGER COMMENT!

ANGRY!

ROAR!!

I did something nice today!

I think I did!
I was exhausted from gyming and decided to cab home. I got an cabbie uncle that couldn't stop talking to me when all I wanted was some shut eye. I tried to entertain him and half the time I wasn't sure what I said.

I was so relieved when the cab arrived at my place and whipped out my newly withdrawn SGD 50 note. To my horror, the cabbie didn't have change!

Uncle requested that I get some change and I suggested to coffee shop opposite my place which is a fair bit of distance.

Guess what, after he dropped me off, I got change, went back to the spot and HE DISAPPEARED! Confused I stood there. I stood there for 10 minutes thinking to myself that $12 must mean something for cab drivers (very often, cabbies tell me how hard it is to earn a living). Well he returned, without so much an explanation, took my money, mumbled a thank you and drove off.

I walked home feeling incredible. Noisy uncle, inefficient, pulled a David Copperfield disappearing act, had me confused for a whole 10 minutes, and made me walk all the way home from the coffee shop.

Yet I paid.

I think God's promise of restful increase is manifesting. I Actually Felt incredibly happy that I had the patience.

:)