Rhythm of Grace
13/06/2010:
I've probably told a few of my friends that Louis and I have broken up. It came as a shock to those that were part of our lives. We've grown together for the last 4 years and thank you for being a part of our journey. The chapter has finally been closed.
The last few days were a chaotic turmoil of heartaches and mindless flow of emotions. I've come to realize that I loved him and I still do and always will. He has been a special part of me and I would never have been that jubilant, happy girl, if not for him.
I remember how I started out in a relationship with him. It wasn't love at first sight for me. He wasn't my "type" but I eventually did. I also discovered how blissful I could be just being cradled in his arms and letting the hours go by. We would spend hours watching old movies on his desktop, indulge in gastronomical food and simply stay contented in each others' company.
Things spiraled out of control after we entered the working world. The life of busyness changed our priorities. We hardly communicate and I found myself longing and empty.
My friends, we've tried or I've tried. I tried so hard that even right now, the outcome of our decision hurts. I'm sorry if you had to find out this way but be happy for me for I'm finally at peace.
I was in church with Cillia today and I asked God why. I've been good and much nicer than so many people out there, so why the influx of torrential problems. Why did things that matter to me, family, relationship, friendship and career give way one by one. I've been a giver all my life. I try so hard to excel. I work hard, make time for everyone and I give so much just to see people around me happy.
In that 2 hours, God came to me. In that 2 hours, I realized that my life revolved on being a perfectionist. People have constantly told me that I work too hard or that I push myself too much but I thought nothing much of it. After all, I would be reaping the rewards and achieve a lot more.
I was wrong.
Perfectionism stems from the self. I need to. I want to.
The spirit of excellence comes from God. Let Go and Let God. Experience his rhythm of grace. Every wall I had erected broke down. I told God that from this moment, I want him to take control of every single aspect of my life. I want to outsource my efforts for he has redeemed the cost of the easy way out at the cross.
I wanted Louis to believe in God, to accept him but I never trusted God to come to him.
I've seen his grace at work, flowing in abundance. Yet I tell myself it's also because of my hard work. Never balance Grace with logic. It's man's way of shortchanging God.
I'm surrounded by friends but why do I feel tired of giving and for being there. Even though I've been struggling with my pain, why do I find myself braving a smile to listen to their problems instead? Why do I seem to always attract people that want to be close but I can never break down those walls around me. I give but not want to take and eventually I have too many groups of friends, friends that I love dearly but neglect periodically. Because I want to be a blessing but I've never really come to terms with understanding that I've been blessed. God has promised but I've doubted.
Psalms 37 verses 4-6.
Delight yourself in the LORD;
And He will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD,
Trust also in Him, and He will do it.
6He will bring fort your righteousness as the light
And your judgment as the noonday.
I grew up in church and Psalms 37 was constantly brought up. I never fully understood till today. It resonates in my heart and I hold it dearly.
So dear friends, delight in the Lord. He would take away every broken heart and broken life.
Louis, if you're reading this. Thank you for loving me.
I'm at peace now, so go on, find yourself. Never lose yourself in work.
You'll be in my prayers.
Thank you for being you.
