I never considered myself hilarious, even remotely funny. I laugh easily and find the smallest things amusing, thus enjoying the delightful companionship of wit and humour.
Today I am different.
I made someone laugh out hard and long because.....
G: (adamantly declares) I'm Not Naggy! I'm the least naggy person alive.
X: (bursts out laughing uncontrollably. breathes. laughs again)
G: WHAT!
X: Women nv think they are. That's why they nag.
Hmm. Quite True.
I've finally mustered enough courage to revisit my past. Back to my blog where I've tried to shut down and forget.
I guess I've truly moved on to a happier place, where reading my past entries bring back bittersweet memories.
I've yet to have time to revamp this space but I shall do so over the next weekend, and it shall be filled with more of the fun and laughter I've been experiencing.
I'm back today because something made me laugh. I wanted to share it and I thought of my long forgotten blog, and all the lovely things I could still be sharing with everyone.
So I shall. I will. I must.
Hello World!
After 3 years, my blog has evolved to a refuge that I turn to when I seek solace. Funny how things turn out.
You take a step to try, not knowing if it's all that right for you, but you try anyway because you think it does and things may not turn out like how you imagine it to be. Still, you look back fondly and browse through the memories. I used to rave about food didn't I? :)
I've always thought that if things didn't turn out the right way, it was my fault, my decisions, my expectations. It was always this way, and I ended up short changing myself, telling myself that hey, things didn't work out because you didn't try hard enough, or I could have done it better. Then I tell the world that it was so, to convince myself. I don't see the point in painting myself as the victim or cry buckets. My friends think I'm amazingly strong. I think it's just how you choose to live life.
I found myself hurt to an unbearable extent on Sunday. Yet, two hours later, I could walk down Orchard road with almost no hint of sadness. I was asked if it were mood swings and found myself amused. I told him that I could either carry a glum face and ruin someone else's day or I could be thankful and put on a positive attitude to enjoy the day. It's all a choice. Half cup full or half a cup empty. I could never make someone else suffer with or for me.
It was also Sunday itself that I found out how giving drew an influx of calls and texts over the next 48 hours. A friend caught me crying, or sobbing in his context and he told half the world. In his defense, he said it was SOGT - Save our grace tye
I received the cutest, most heartwarming text ever:
On a serious note, I think you are the perfect you.
People around you feel happy with your presence. It's like you are the sun radiating energy.
And no it wasn't by someone who had a crush on me.
Walls crumbled and I smiled, emanating from within.
Thank you for that. SOGT. Very nice indeed :)
13/06/2010:
I've probably told a few of my friends that Louis and I have broken up. It came as a shock to those that were part of our lives. We've grown together for the last 4 years and thank you for being a part of our journey. The chapter has finally been closed.
The last few days were a chaotic turmoil of heartaches and mindless flow of emotions. I've come to realize that I loved him and I still do and always will. He has been a special part of me and I would never have been that jubilant, happy girl, if not for him.
I remember how I started out in a relationship with him. It wasn't love at first sight for me. He wasn't my "type" but I eventually did. I also discovered how blissful I could be just being cradled in his arms and letting the hours go by. We would spend hours watching old movies on his desktop, indulge in gastronomical food and simply stay contented in each others' company.
Things spiraled out of control after we entered the working world. The life of busyness changed our priorities. We hardly communicate and I found myself longing and empty.
My friends, we've tried or I've tried. I tried so hard that even right now, the outcome of our decision hurts. I'm sorry if you had to find out this way but be happy for me for I'm finally at peace.
I was in church with Cillia today and I asked God why. I've been good and much nicer than so many people out there, so why the influx of torrential problems. Why did things that matter to me, family, relationship, friendship and career give way one by one. I've been a giver all my life. I try so hard to excel. I work hard, make time for everyone and I give so much just to see people around me happy.
In that 2 hours, God came to me. In that 2 hours, I realized that my life revolved on being a perfectionist. People have constantly told me that I work too hard or that I push myself too much but I thought nothing much of it. After all, I would be reaping the rewards and achieve a lot more.
I was wrong.
Perfectionism stems from the self. I need to. I want to.
The spirit of excellence comes from God. Let Go and Let God. Experience his rhythm of grace. Every wall I had erected broke down. I told God that from this moment, I want him to take control of every single aspect of my life. I want to outsource my efforts for he has redeemed the cost of the easy way out at the cross.
I wanted Louis to believe in God, to accept him but I never trusted God to come to him.
I've seen his grace at work, flowing in abundance. Yet I tell myself it's also because of my hard work. Never balance Grace with logic. It's man's way of shortchanging God.
I'm surrounded by friends but why do I feel tired of giving and for being there. Even though I've been struggling with my pain, why do I find myself braving a smile to listen to their problems instead? Why do I seem to always attract people that want to be close but I can never break down those walls around me. I give but not want to take and eventually I have too many groups of friends, friends that I love dearly but neglect periodically. Because I want to be a blessing but I've never really come to terms with understanding that I've been blessed. God has promised but I've doubted.
Psalms 37 verses 4-6.
Delight yourself in the LORD;
And He will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD,
Trust also in Him, and He will do it.
6He will bring fort your righteousness as the light
And your judgment as the noonday.
I grew up in church and Psalms 37 was constantly brought up. I never fully understood till today. It resonates in my heart and I hold it dearly.
So dear friends, delight in the Lord. He would take away every broken heart and broken life.
Louis, if you're reading this. Thank you for loving me.
I'm at peace now, so go on, find yourself. Never lose yourself in work.
You'll be in my prayers.
Thank you for being you.
Pain. It creeps into you, lingering, clinging, overshadowing.
It renders you helpless. You feel lost and cold.
Your tears well up in your eyes, over and over.
You want no part of the world.
Pain consumes.
The phone rings and you put on the bravest brightest smile. That facade.
What's wrong, they say? Why does your voice sound different
You tell them you're on leave today and just woke up.
They apologize, make it quick.
You're on leave.
Tears sting your eyes as you give in to pain.
Alone time.
The phone rings. The process commences all over again. You numbly regurgitate.
Pride, Pressure, Pain. They seem get along.
I want no part of it.
Not anymore.
I almost cried as tears welled up in my eyes. I blinked profusely to diffuse the notion of crying.
I love weddings. I cannot help but get overwhelmed by the beauty of watching the groom's face light up with love as the breath-taking beautiful bride walks down the isle with her beaming father.
Love.
The delicate phenomena of union between man and wife
Love.
The everlasting promise of God.
Love.
The secret formula to overcoming the good and the bad.
Love.
The reminder to bask in life and embrace the ones that hold you dear.
:)
Congratulations Dino and Marion. You've embarked on a new journey of love-filled life as one.
Thank you for sharing that beautiful moment with me.
It's amazing how little incidents in life impact one's life.
I was on the MRT, mind, hands and mouth full. On one hand, I was trying to figure out a way to work out the best possible rate for a client. RAR, gearing, basic business rules. That kept my mind preoccupied.
Hands. Fixed on the phone. Calling just about every expert I know. Market rates, market analysis. Thank God for Axlle, Dennis, Derek and Zhi Wei.
Mouth. Spewing banking lingos. Passenger beside me kept staring at my file that I was trying desperate to hide. MAS rules.
Needless to say, time whizzes past. What's traveling for a hour when you're preoccupied right? I'm such a workaholic at times. It must be the years of aggressive competition, from table tennis and dancing. Ever the need to perform.
Braddell: A young Father came in, pushing a pram. He looked tired, slightly unkempt. Most would consider him unfashionable, with a blue baby bag, a pram, t-shirt, faded trousers and signature Singaporean flip flops. He sat beside me.
What most women would do when they see a toddler in a pram: smile.
I did. But it was for a different reason. The toddler's head was 1.5 times bigger than an average kid. He had a deformed mouth and brown birthmarks on 80% on his face. It was a sight for sore eyes. It makes you wonder how the toddler would grow up and face the beauty obsessed world.
YET. His father had no eyes for anyone else. He was much less concerned about the stares from fellow passengers. I think he must have been used to it. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught people whispering. The toddler's father caught naught but continued to play with his child. The child smiled and so did his father.
Hurt people hurt others. Just look at Tiger Woods and Tiger Wood's father.
People who are loved, love others more readily. They are self assured.
The toddler would be hurt by society. Frowned upon since the day he was born. Yet he would be loved unconditonally by his father.
I felt his love and it reminded me of my dad's love. Sometimes I think that my dad deserves all the credit but I'm shy of telling him. He's always supporting the family, providing for us.
Caught in my life of busyness, friends, work and whirlwind schedule of appointments. I forgot how it was when I was like the toddler. I was an ugly child. I had no hair, tiny eyes, sickly and thin. Slightly better off them the creature in Lord of the Rings. YET I vividly remember going through pictures where my dad proudly carried me. Till today, he is the silent fan of my sisters and I. Uncles and Aunties call us the Charlie's Angels.
Today's incident will be the reason why I will enjoy my work, my life. It's a reason to make my parents proud and present them with the greatest gift a child can present to her parents - the gift of happyness.
:)
I love you daddy, mummy, Dajie Jas and Jo.
Dear God, thank you for my family.
:)
